I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
