So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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