I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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