yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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