Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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