my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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