i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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