It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
