while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
