I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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