If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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