Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize