It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
