I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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