Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
