Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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