I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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