I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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