I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
