If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
