Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
