party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
