I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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