we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize