i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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