I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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