Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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