Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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