I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You dont lie about slip and slides
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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