Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
