Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
