Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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