It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize