She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
last night I used snow as a chaser
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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