I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
