I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
