I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
