shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
