He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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