i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
