I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
