32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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