watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
