This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I want a musical about memes.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
