i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize