you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
