You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
