Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
