Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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