She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
