i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
