im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
did i walk over a car last night?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize