mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
