im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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