I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
