i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
