I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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