those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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