Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
