I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
