I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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