When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
