I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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